positivity

Growing up in an incomplete family while facing verbal & physical abuse ;

I initially harbor only negative thoughts and nothing bright .

That was till, I gathered the courage to ran away from home at the mere age of 15 to seek refuge at another "home" ;

But till then I wasn't happy, and got stuck into a habitual toxic routine of dangerous activity ranging from ED to alcohol addiction to self-harm.

I seek adrenaline and things that makes me feel alive... In the wrong places. It has been a long journey but I found things that brings me true happiness at least for now ; 

As hypocrite & selfish as it seems, I love to volunteer and help those in need ; it makes me feel better to know that at least I'm useful ; useful to help those in need ; 

I love to exercise , not only for my health and body ; that's just the by-product. But I love the adrenaline exercise produces. The endorphins I get every after jog, the muscle soreness and the knee that hurts , that pain, all, makes me feel most alive.

I love it .

But till now, tho, I'm in a better place ; people ; still question how am I so positive & that I should be more aggressive in life & well, be more negative in a sense.

My reply has always been the same , if not, similar ; Whatever happens now, at this moment, even death itself won't be as bad as the vulnerable & traumatic times I faced as a child ; so why would I not be happy now ? 

But still I get agitated especially when the question comes from the ones that played a part in it ; 

Other then these moments , I'm rather happy with my life ; because I know , I'm in control of whatever I want to do ; instead of my past helpless & vulnerable child self.

Till the next time .

Love,

Jingruus